Though, reflecting back on the last week, I can see where it was such a blessing, a solid week of Ava. One on one time where she wasn't sick and didn't have to be at school. We got to soak up every bit of her silly, her insanely advanced vocabulary, and her attitude (good and bad). We got to wake up and snuggle with just her in the morning, go on walks with the dogs in the wagon, spend countless hours with Mimi and Miss Kerry - it was wonderful. Memories we'll treasure forever. Then this morning came, and she went to her other house, with her Bubba and her Mommy. And then Jake closed the door, and the house was quiet. You could see bits of Ava strewn about. Her babies in Sawyer's unused swing, her shoes by the door, crayons and coloring book on her table in the office, her dirty clothes in the bathroom from her tub tub the night before.. and slowly through tears we walk around and pick those things up. Get them back to their places in her room, or dirty laundry, until the next time she's with us.
I never thought this would be my life. Sharing a little human with another. But I couldn't imagine life without Ava. She's a piece of what we needed, and God knew that. It's true, he makes ALL things work together for good. This walk is not an easy one, but it's given me much understanding and a new perspective when it comes to kids who do have two homes. Though not ideal, and not how God intended it, it is the reality for many and can no doubt be made good or bad depending on the way its handled.
Jake and I have spent a lot of time praying and preparing Ava for this new little sister that is going to enter our world. A little sister that will live at our house all the time. We worried about jealousy or that Ava would somehow feel less than. We've rebuked every lie the enemy has whispered and have claimed unending joy over both of these girls. That they would grow to never see each other has "half sisters" but as sisters. Sisters who stick up for each other, pray for each other, and love on each other when it's not easy.
For most, a first time pregnancy would equal entering motherhood for the first time.. but for me, it feels different. For the last two years I stepped into a role of "Mommy" - I prayed for Ava before she was born. I prayed for the day I'd meet Ava and get to hold and snuggle her. I've prayed for her future, her sick days, her school days, and even her future husband. When things settled and now that she's with us half the time, I kiss boo boos, and make lunches, give baths, and feel this insane protectiveness to make sure that she's treated well and knows she's loved. In some ways I'm already Mommy - and this new little girl will further expand that motherhood. A new motherhood. This motherhood will start by making sure that our first little girl knows that she was first. Ava will know that she is the big sister, and that won't change. It will expand and bring new understanding of what motherhood is - an everyday sacrifice riddled with in-explainable blessing.
This waiting on Sawyer has been hard. With worry of insurance deductibles, money, money, money - needing her to come before the first, and over and over again God says "My time. She's on my time.". This morning I was praying and instantly was thankful for the week we've had with Ava. Like I said before, memories we'll cherish forever, for she will only be two once.
If you think of us in the upcoming weeks, there are some specific things that I'd love for you to pray for.
- That Sawyer would come when she's supposed to, and that her Mommy would be patient in the waiting.
- That Ava would be able to communicate her feelings through this adjustment, and that we would be sensitive and understanding to those.
- For wisdom, for both Jake and I as much of this will be new - especially adjusting to having a two year old along with a newborn.
- For Ava - that she would NEVER feel "less than".
God is Good, ALL the time.
And though I don't always feel equipped to handle all the things life throws at me, I am well aware that my God goes before me and behind me, and I can trust Him.
Much love,
TP
