The last few days have been more than difficult. They've just plain ole hurt.
Thursday night did not go the way I ever thought it would, Mickey ran into the woods like she usually does, and came back when I called.. but when we got inside everything went wrong. She seemed fine but had a cut on her head, it was bleeding pretty profusely and I got some hydrogen peroxide to clean it. When I got back to her a few seconds later she was laying on the rug and didn't want to get up. I got her into the kitchen where she laid out on the floor and cried out in pain. I instantly became hysterical, calling Jake with no answer, then my Mom. I wrapped Mickey into her blanket, got her in the car and rushed her to the emergency vet a few miles away. On the ride over she continued to cry out and all I could do was cry to Jesus to touch her.
When we got to the vet she perked up, she walked around and we took that as a sign that maybe this wasn't as serious as it seemed, she would get better. We went back to the exam room and waited for her to be looked at, she just sat in my lap, I loved on her, told her she would be fine. I prayed over her and asked Jesus to touch her.. I had peace that all would be well. The vet seemed to think it was a bite of some sort, they took X-rays and couldn't see much because the swelling was getting worse. They put her back in an oxygen crate, gave her something for the pain, and something to bring the swelling down.. it was beginning to constrict her airway so that's what they were focused on, bring swelling down. They were going to watch her overnight, keep her airway clear, checking her often. I reached into that crate, wrapped my arms around her, and she began to cry as I prayed over her. I asked that God would keep her calm, that she would feel as if she was home with Hank and Elsa, I asked for wisdom for the Vet and Vet tech who were attending to her, and thanked Jesus for their help. I told Mickey that I loved her, and that soon she would be home and back to normal. I cried and cried over her, but still trusted that Jesus would take care of her. And He did. Just not the way I expected...
We got a phone call at 2am that she was gone. She didn't make it through the night. They tried to intubate but it was too late.. Mickey wasn't with us any more. It felt like part of me was just ripped out from under me and I couldn't breathe. It seems crazy, she's "just a dog" right? I shouldn't be that upset...but I was. I was devastated. I felt guilty like I didn't do enough, I shouldn't have wasted time in Chobee and should have gotten home sooner when it was light out.. then she would probably be okay. Maybe I should have spoken up sooner when we were waiting for her to be examined, if they would have X-Rayed her sooner maybe they would have been able to do more.. so many what if's.. so many "I should have's"... this just sucked. It wasn't fair.
I asked God, why? You gave me peace when I left there that she would be okay? Why did you take her? Immediately in that place of darkness the Holy Spirit spoke to me, He said "You don't have to know that, Taylor. You just have to trust Me." I told God it was unfair, she was such a good pup. The Holy Spirit said "And how fair was it for Jesus to die on a cross? He was such a good man.." God sent his only Son to hang on a cross so that He could have a relationship with ME. At any moment he could have snapped his fingers and said "Nahh, not today. I can't handle this." But He didn't, He watched, and He hurt, and He grieved because He knew that this was the way to have a relationship with me. "Wow.. you love me that much. You watched your son hang on a cross.. how much more do you understand my hurting heart.. how much more can you comfort me when you suffered the ultimate loss.." You see, God loves us so much that regardless of the hurt, no matter how big or how small it may seem to some, if it rocks your world, it rocks His too.
I was blessed on Friday by my Principal who allowed me to go home. He saw me that morning and didn't even know what had happened, but he knew that school was not a place I could be at the moment... honestly it would have scared my students.. haha Puffy face, crying constantly, not something they needed to witness.
Jake and I spent Friday at home, we cried, we loved on Hank and Elsa, we went to lunch with family to get out of the house.. made sure we went somewhere the pups could go also. Before we headed to lunch we stopped by the Vet to pay for Mickey's cremation.. I walked out with a receipt and a report. A report that basically said that Mickey was fine.. trauma to the head, died of a constricted airway.. That's it?! She died because someone didn't check her soon enough to see that she wasn't breathing?? My exact words to Jake were "How am I supposed to accept this? I CANNOT accept this??" And instantly the Holy Spirit spoke again "How do parents accept the death of their unborn child without any explanation... or the death of any child for that matter?" And then God reminded me.. "Death does not take away from the joy of new life..." because my thoughts were - No more dogs. I'm done. I can't do this again. But when couples lose one child, soon they try for another. And that new life doesn't take away from the life that was lost, if anything it makes you appreciate it more.
Then as we were heading home from lunch.. I was watching Hank and Elsa look out the window to the ocean.. I kept thinking about how I could have always had Mickey on a leash, no real freedom. Yes I would've been able to keep her safe, knowing always what she was doing and where she was, but she wouldn't have enjoyed life, she wouldn't have loved me as much as she did, she would have tolerated me because I fed her. Mickey had run of the yard and of the woods behind our house, and she loved it. She would gazelle leap through it every chance she got. She loved to explore and was full of adventure. She was athletic, hilarious, and full of energy - and most of that is because of the freedom we allowed her. The best parts of her personality came through in the freedom she was given.
Then my thoughts went to our Creator, the one who designs us with desires, dreams, talents, and characteristics. All of which come out in the freedom He allows us. God doesn't put us on a leash and keep us close.. though sometimes I wish He would. He allows us the freedom to make our own decisions and to seek Him on our own. How many times do we make decisions that cause pain, physical, emotional, and/or spiritual pain to not only ourselves but to our Creator. How many times do we make decisions that grieve His heart.. Mickey's choice to go into the woods doesn't hurt me, it's the fact that I was responsible for her and she got hurt on my watch. God knows us, He takes responsibility for us, and it hurts Him when we get hurt on His watch.. How much more does He understand My heart through this loss of our sweet Mickey?
God is good, ALL the time. No matter how hard, or how painful. He is constant. He is consistent.
He is good.
I'm sure God could have healed Mickey, but for whatever reason He decided to do that on the other side of Heaven. I know this happens to many in different situations, with loved ones, friends, etc. We may never know the why but we have a promise that every tear shed is accounted for, and each one will be redeemed in HIS time. I live with the promise that my end is Victory, in a place where pain will cease to exist. So I'll carry my cross as I wait for the crown, and praise Jesus every step of the way.
I believe I'll see Mickey again in Heaven one day. That she'll meet me at the gate with her crooked tail and happy smile. Until then, I'll remember that smile and appreciate the ones around me who are still here for me to love on.
To every parent who's lost a child - I know losing a dog can't compare but I feel like God gave me a glimpse of what it's like.. to come home to an empty room with their bed and belongings. To feel the empty of a hole only they filled. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry you've had to feel that hole. I pray that you know Jesus and that you let him hold you when you can't keep yourself up. And if you don't know Him, I pray you find Him, because I can assure you that walking with Him is so much better than walking without Him.
High five to you if you made it all the way through this.. this might be "Michelle" worthy just by the length! (You'll have to check out my Mom's blog to understand that..lol)
I'll leave you with some pics of our sweet girl. She was quite the light.
