Exhaustion with a side of Mom guilt, laced with goals for 2019.

YO.

Just logging into my blog brings on the guilt - GOSH do I SUCK.

Blogging about SJ monthly? HA - she's 10 months old and my last update was month 3. WHOOPS.

Thought I could keep up with the letter board... HA I missed month 7.... and Month 9....  and honestly if I don't do month 10 tomorrow - ain't happening.

I find myself recording her constantly, or thinking "I need to snap a pic of this, I don't want to forget it." I'm so thankful for time-hop, social media, and an online journal that hopefully will be around for a while. I had good intentions of doing a monthly photo book - thinking that would be easier than scrap booking and would take less time so I'd be sure to do it. HA. Not.

It's interesting, before you have kids you kinda live in the moment, or you think you do. As a parent you want to soak in every moment and stretch them out as best you can.

Pause she is now almost a year old and I still didn't even finish this BLOG.

It's super easy to feel like such a failure all the time when it comes to Momming or even just living now days. Our world is one where our lives are posted online - Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, soooo many places to share wonderful things, but soooo many places for Satan to whisper lies of inadequacy. Whispers that cause you to compare your life to someone else's picture reel - someone else's posed moments.

My heart lately has been so convicted about that.
My priorities are out of whack.

First and foremost, I must seek Jesus.
After Jesus I must strive to be the wife God has called me to be.
Then my focus must be on mothering my kids.

But if FIRST I seek Jesus with everything, the rest will just fall into place.

In 2019 I want to do a few things.

FIRST - Be intentional about BEING with Jesus. I don't want to shoot prayers off like arrows without really reveling in the presence of the God who paid it all to know me personally.

SECOND - I want to LOVE my husband well. I want to encourage, love unconditionally, and always show honor, grace, and mercy to the man God created for me.

THIRD - I wanna MOM HARD. As hard as I can. I want to love my kids fiercely, discipline them fairly, and disciple them rightly to the best of my ability.

When those three things are happening the way they should be (not perfectly but with great effort) anything else I want to accomplish will be extra.

Some other goals for this year...

1. Grow professionally in the business I've been placed - Further my education, gain more licensing, lead well.

2. Grow in knowledge and understanding of how to live more holistically -

• This is going to walk hand in hand with the next goal of growing my Young Living Business. I also say that lightly because the ultimate goal is to share the GOOD that I have found for my own family with other families around me. 
• To switch our products with those that are non toxic and safer for everyone in my house. 
• To focus on our health and go further on the path to wellness. Doctors and Medicine surely have a time or a place - but I'd love to prevent as many visits as possible with natural remedies. 
• Get into a wellness routine
• Learn what supplements I may need to help where I'm lacking.

3. Never Miss a TITHE - this is more biblical and I've written about it before. But Jake and I have already committed to really trusting Jesus with our finances and giving the FIRST fruits every month.

4. PAY OFF some debt.

5. Finish up our Garage Gym and WORK OUT regularly.

6. Get up to my alarm everyday..the FIRST time it goes off.

7. Be intentional about journaling for my kids.

8. Be able to financially bless a family in need with Christmas next year.

9. Memorize at least 15 new scriptures.

I think that's about it.. there's a ton of things that I feel like I want to do but the Lord keeps whispering that when He comes first and foremost, the goals that align with His will are going to show up and out this year. He knows the desires of my heart - I can trust Him to do this along with me as I cling to Him and am obedient to all He asks of me.

Short little blog today - another goal is to share more but I'm not putting it on my list, HA. We'll just see how it goes.

Much love.

Thankful for that Pookie Jane

Today I rode in my car with the windows down, listened to "Do you know? (The Ping Pong Song)", "John", and "Do the John Wall". I laughed and cried as I sang and danced hearing Rebekah's voice in my head singing right along with me.

I pictured all the nights we cruised Chobee, buying scratch offs and using our winnings to buy ice cream before heading back to one of our houses to hang for the night.

We usually made chocolate chip cookies when we were together. We loved Mexican food and Diet Vanilla MT Dew from the cooler.

We had fun together. We laughed together. We cried together. We prayed together.

I'm thankful for the friend I had in Rebekah.
I'm thankful for her laugh and that when I get quiet and think about her I can still hear it.
I'm thankful for her testimony.
I'm thankful for the wife she was and what she and Jared taught me about marriage.
I'm thankful for her family who scooped me up and love me so.
I'm thankful Pook knew I was pregnant and that she got to tell my belly she loved it many times.
I'm thankful for that sweet name Jane that my Sawyer now carries.
I'm thankful for the legacy Pook left behind.
But I'm most thankful that I'll see her again.

Below are the words I wrote when asked to write something for her memorial. I read back on it now so thankful for what she and Jared taught me. I'm thankful I had the opportunity to do life with them.

I can't wait to see that girl again.

Until then.. 

Rebekah came into my life in 10^th grade. We had Driver’s Ed first hour, and in a weird way we were drawn to each other. The first day we really talked she said, “We’re gonna be best friends.” And from that day forward we were. I spent many evenings at the Bishop house making chocolate chip cookies, watching movies, riding the golf cart, and just laughing constantly. P-Dub would make fun of my ever changing hair color, and Netters treated me like a daughter. At my house Rebekah went right to the fridge to steal my Dad’s beloved cookie dough, always making herself right at home. Our brains processed things the same way, we understood each other’s silence, and loved the simple things. We were meant to be besties.

When Rebekah was diagnosed again in our Junior year, over a series of events the Lord told me that she would be healed. I struggled with that for a week before going to her parents as I didn’t want to speak too boldly and be wrong. But I did. And she was.

Fast forward a few years at Rebekah’s wedding when I spoke a few words as her Maid of Honor. God reminded me that the healing HE spoke over her, her junior year, was necessary because THIS day, THIS marriage, was already ordained to happen. No weapon of cancer would prosper to keep that day from coming.

I know now that this union between Pook and Jared was one with such purpose, as God intends all marriages to be. Their union served a much bigger audience than their families. Today many are encouraged and lifted up because of their commitment to their Savior and to each other. At their wedding, Jared also came to me and said (almost exactly like Rebekah did in 10^th grade) “So you ready for another best friend?”. And he was. They were such a unit that they ministered to me and to many others, together.

Over the last several years Rebekah and I have learned a lot about waiting and God’s timing. Though our circumstances were different, it seemed that God was teaching us much about the same concepts. Because of this we prayed a lot together, and for each other. She was my first call or text when I needed prayer, and after Jared I was hers. She reminded me that ALL things work out for good when we are seeking Jesus, and I helped her channel her anger when Satan really ticked her off. She wasn’t afraid to tell him where to go! When I met Jake, Pook and Jared were there as I prayed him through some difficult moments. It was to their house I went first when God spoke to me that I’d marry him. They bathed us in prayer, and as Jake and I walked through some muddy waters, they spoke life over and into us. Consistently reminding us to trust God and HIS timing. Their love, rooted in Christ, was and is an example that Jake and I work hard to emulate. Rebekah didn’t “wait” with a mentality of “sitting on her hands”. She waited expectantly. She waited in ACTION, calling forth God’s word and speaking it into her and Jared’s circumstances. She believed in the BIG God. There were days when her faith was small, but she called on her husband to remind her and he stepped in and did just that. When they were apart, she sometimes felt feeble, but together is where Rebekah found her fight, her strength, and her faith. That is what God intended for marriage. A union of two people that push each other toward Jesus, living out a life that furthers HIS kingdom.

It saddens me that there won’t be anymore “scratch off scavenger hunts”, “She’s The Man” quoting contests, or that I can’t laugh with her anymore here, but I’m overwhelmed with peace that in time I WILL get to do that again. Rebekah knew that THIS life was but a season towards a greater eternity. I choose to live with that at the forefront of my mind, cherishing my husband as she cherished hers, praying boldly over my circumstances, living authentically, and loving people towards Jesus.
And in the words of my sweet Mother – “God wins.”

SJP Month Three

Three months!

This time is passing quickly. At 14lbs 13oz, my new baby isn't as new as she once was since her 9 pound entrance. She's wearing 6-9 Month clothing, takes 5oz at every feeding, and is growing like a weed at 25 inches long.

She started Daycare this month, and she loves it. We are so blessed to have gotten into a facility that truly loves their babies. Each encounter I have with the employees is a joy.

Sawyer has been out of daycare the last week and a half with a pretty hearty chest cold. They have called multiple times to check on her - how sweet! They've said that they miss her and can't wait to see her in next week.

I'll admit this week at home with her has been nice. The 10 weeks I got with her before going back to work after she was born were hard. But I didn't realize how much I'd miss them until they were over. I get it now. Just to be with her every hour, to catch all the smiles and coos - I've missed this. But next week we'll get back to normal and the daycare routine can continue. Maybe then Mommy will actually get to sleep in her own bed! SJ and I have been sharing the couch or recliner all week - laying down has been tough with that cough.

We've spent a lot of time with Mimi, GMan, Miss Kerry, and Papa. Her first Easter was full of family fun - she and Ava had matching Jean Jackets and Dresses! Pictures below aren't the most smiley but I swear she's a happy kid! Sawyer also got to finally meet the rest of her Sanchez family. Aunt Kammer she met on day 5 of being alive but we wait to introduce her to E & E until after she had her first round of shots. They both loved her. It was surreal to see my Eva holding  my Sawyer. Eva was kinda my first "baby" and I can't even believe that now she's holding SAWYER. TIME FLIES.

Sawyer discovered TV this month. She sits in a lounger (see below) and just watches. I tried Baby Einstein but she prefers The Flash! haha! She watched the Wiggles at Mimi's and danced along with it! Pretty stoked my kid is a TV watcher - will make traveling and other things easier one day. She'll be athletic so I'm not worried about her being a couch potato - but in the meantime it's nice to not have to be in her face entertaining her all the time. (Though I know the day will come where I'll miss that too.)

She loves sitting in her bouncy seat in the kitchen while we cook dinner. Or laying on the floor under the mobile  watching the dogs walk back and forth.

Her sister is still infatuated with her and is sure to help whenever she can.

Sawyer discovered her fist and chews on it regularly. She also pulls her blanket or burp rag up to her mouth to chew on as well.

I know this next month will bring even more growth and discovery.
We're just soaking her in day by day.

Sawyer,

I hope you always feel how much you're adored. You never go long without kisses or squeezes. Everyone who meets you melts. You're more than a joy.

We love you so big!!

Love,
Mommy, Daddy, Ava & Errrrrybody else!

 

Then comes a baby in a baby carriage..

This parenting thing is a blessing.

But this parenting thing is hard. Add this to another already hard thing, marriage, and there's going to be struggle.

This morning after making a hearty breakfast, Jake commented "That's the first Saturday breakfast we've had in a while.."

That comment didn't bother me, because he's right. It had been a while. Saturday morning breakfasts were a tradition we started early on in our relationship. This came from my own Mom's tradition of getting up on Saturdays to cook us all Jiffy Blueberry Muffins or pancakes, bacon, and eggs. So now I continue that tradition in our own home. But since SJ made her entrance 11 weeks ago.. those breakfasts have been few and far between.

I recognize that getting up and making breakfast is a way to remind my husband that though right now SJ has been consuming most of my time.. he's still my number one after Jesus. It's important he's told that. It's important he's reminded that before SJ there was JP. And when SJ is out of the house there will still be JP. God designed this order for just that, order. There's power in that.

We see it time and time again. Kids are born and the marriage takes a back seat. I'm convinced that's why so many marriages end in divorce. 'My kids are my world." Says every Mom who forgets the order. By keeping my husband the priority he needs to be, I keep my family together. Without JP there is no SJ.

This new mom thing is hard.

Many times I feel like Jake should just know that I'm overwhelmed or tired. He should know that I want him to come home and take the baby for a little while as I'm exhausted. But he's tired too. He's worked all day too. Men are different. If his brain worked the same as mine, he wouldn't be a dude. I can't assume he just gets it. I have to communicate.. nicely. Not by silently huffing and puffing, rolling my eyes, or speaking with a short sarcastic tone. Jake doesn't get "it" unless I explain. And that's hard to do sometimes. AND sometimes when I do explain, he still doesn't get "it". He's a dude. Waffles and spaghetti. If you've ever heard that analogy.

My point in sharing this is to be transparent.

To remind you new mommies that before your baby was your husband. He's important. And in the grand scheme of things more important than that baby. (Hard to say, but true.)

Remind him he's still a priority.
Remind him without him there is no baby.
Remind him that days will come when this tiny human won't be nearly as needy - and we'll be sad about how much she's grown.
And in the meantime - take the time to date your husband. Set time aside for just the two of you.

That seems hard now.. but Ive found taking 15 mins to snuggle on the couch after the babe goes down has done wonders for us. Reminds us of "US".

I love you, Jacob.

Thanks for making me a Mama - and for loving me in all the crazy.

You the real MVP.

SJP - Month Two - Smiles, Vaccines, and major Growth.

Month Two!

How in the world are we already 10 weeks into this?! Insanity. 

This month our girl has gotten even more alert and SO vocal! Homegirl is always making noise, sleeping or awake. She grunts, coos, and mimics noises you make to her. Pretty sure she'll talk anybody's ear off one day.. like her Mama. Oops! 

She smiles and kicks and kicks. 

Those arms and legs don't stop, EVER. This was my last month home with her and I spent a lot of time snuggling her a little extra as I knew going back to work would limit those afternoon nap sleepies. When she wasn't in my arms she was on her back on a blanket looking up at the fan in our bedroom, out the window , or at the red lobster on her Baby Einstein Mobile. All the other things hanging and she would focus on that red lobster. She also loves to sit in her Baby Einstein Bouncer that vibrates and sings. This bouncer also has a red bird that she can  pull on and she focused on that constantly! Maybe it's the color red? Just a few days ago she was batting her arms back and forth and her hand caught the loop on the bottom of the bird and she pulled it herself! Totally freaked herself out, hilarious! 

She's also pulled her own hair laying on the floor - that happened more during week 6 and hasn't happened recently.. But quick story, she was laying under the mobile just watching and kicking totally content. All of a sudden Jake and I see and hear her SCREAMING, red faced, ANGRY and obviously in pain. I rush down to her to figure out what's wrong and it took me a minute but I see that she had a death grip on a handful of her hair! Poor kid! Took another minute to get her to let go and then she screamed and screamed for another few minutes. I just hugged her and rocked her, felt like the worst mom ever and I didn't even do anything! Earlier that day I did accidently smack her face on the hanging singing star on the mobile when I picked her up from under it.. same screaming incurred. Maybe she had flashbacks after the hair pulling incident! 

She loves to observe and watch. We put this bouncer on the counter often when we're cooking in the kitchen, or in the living room if we're hanging out. We talk to her, she watches and smiles. I tried to catch a few here, this was 3/6/18 right before we headed to take her Daddy lunch.   

Her sister is still obsessed with her, and Sawyer LOVES her big sissy. When Ava talks to her she smiles and smiles. I can't wait to watch their relationship progress as Sawyer gets older and more aware of just who Ava is. Ava recently discovered that her name is "Sawyer Jane" and loves to call her that. She walks around now and calls her "Soy-er Dane".

Sawyer LOVES the bath. It's part of her evening routine and again, she sits in the tub and kicks and kicks. She's almost too long for her infant tub so I've got to start looking for other options to use until she's really sitting up.

This month we had to switch formula, and she's doing SO MUCH BETTER on this new one. We're using Enfamil Gentlease, thanks to the recommendation from my sweet Hannie Sims. Sawyer was purging every night what seemed like EVERYTHING in her system on the other formula, and since being on this the last 4 weeks she hasn't done that at all. We're happier, but much more importantly she is. 

She started Day Care - and though I thought the best option was going to be finding a private sitter, this Day Care has been WONDERFUL. They all love her so and she's the newest infant so she gets a lot of attention. Another milestone we hit this month is her move into her crib in her own room! She was sleeping in the Pack N Play in our room.. and at 7.5 weeks my husband pushed that it was time.. I'm so glad he did! Both Sawyer and her parents are sleeping so much better! She has been going down for the night anywhere between 9:30 and 11pm (just depends on feedings and generally she cat naps between 6-10 at some point anyway - I know soon we'll be able to get her down sooner!) When she goes down sometimes it takes a little bit to get her completely down, but once she is she's out until 5 or 6 the next morning! The last few mornings her timing has been perfect and I can hear her wrestling around about 6:15 am, I get her up, dressed, feed her, and we head to Chobee.

Mind you.. she's not really awake.. she refuses to open her eyes as I'm getting her ready and grunts the whole time. She sleeps all the way to Chobee and usually doesn't wake up when I pass her to her teachers. This morning she did! And smiled at everyone as we came in! They loved it, as did I.

This kid changes everyday. I love seeing her personality but I'm sad at how fast time seems to be flying.

This blog was kind of long and detailed.. but journaling is slower than my typing fingers and I'd like to have this to look back on one day when she's older.

Keep an eye out for a few blogs to come about what God has been speaking to me.. He's prompted me to share but I haven't quite sat down to do it. ( I hear you Jesus, I'll do it I promise!)

Here's another phone dump of some month two pictures!