Today I successfully completed my first week of this semester. Only 15 more to go.....eek! Just saying that brings on the worry of lesson planning, creative writing, and boring book reading....Wonderful.
When I got home this evening, after eating supper, my brother was asking if I had a book-bag that he could use this year. I honestly feel like he asks me this every year...I don't think he's used his "own" book-bag since elementary school. It took me a minute to rack my brain of what bags I did have, and for a moment thought that his only options would be Vera Bradley or Fossil. Of which neither would have been a problem, if my brother were my sister. :) I then recalled the book-bag I used when I lived in Gainesville. Hunter found it in my closet and brought it to me to clean out. In it I found two things kleenex and my lost Moleskin journal. The Kleenex were clean, and the Moleskin incomplete, as are most of my journals. I may or may not have trouble finishing one journal before starting another...lol. There are at least 4 stacked on my nightstand now...
Anyway, I began paging through the journal and found that my last entry was made almost 2 years ago in September of 2010...mind you the journal was started in January of 2009. . Looking back at prayers and verses that spoke to me at different points in my life, I got uber emotional - duh - I'm a girl. So many entries were just cries out to God, cries for help, guidance, peace, direction, help, guidance, peace, direction, help, guidance, peace, direction... you get the picture. Over and over I asked God to make right decisions apparent, to ease my heavy heart, and to clear my restless mind. As I read, I could feel that same desperation that I was writing out of, and was instantly thankful. When I wrote those entries, when I prayed those prayers, I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel...I only saw the clutter and the mess I had to get through. But the thing is, I did. And I'm sitting here two years later so different than the person I was when I cried those cries and prayed those prayers. I got through it, and am still mudding through it. But even more so now then I felt then, I know that I will get through. And that two years from now I'll find some unfinished journal and be even more thankful for the God who does it all. And not that everything to "get through" is such a terrible thing, but that regardless of what it is, I am redeemed by the God who hold's my hand through it all. But he doesn't just hold my hand, he whispers direction and sings my praises. My God is so good.
I've learned that looking too far ahead can keep you from seeing what God wants you to learn in the present. All he asks is that we seek him first, serve him first, love him first, and the rest will happen as it should. It feels so good to be DONE trying to plan it all. Things now are not as I would have pictured them to be but I love what they are now, and I'm excited for what they are going to be.
Yay for new perspectives :)
Also, driving home from class this eve, I listened to this song over and over...and maybe I cried a little....or a lot. Again, I'm a girl, but besides that, Jesus loves me way too much and sometimes I can't help but cry like the baby I am about it!
The Father Gave his only Son just to save us...
The Earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Father's broken heart
Tears were filling heaven's eyes, the day that true love died
Blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive!
The day that true love died
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