Hashtag Hot Mess #HHM

Maybe it's pregnancy, maybe it's the fact that I am a female (who just spelled female "femail" three times before getting it right).. but today, I'm a mess.

Today is a GREAT day. Today Jake and I celebrate two years married. My husband  is my best friend. He is the ONE God created to fill every need and want I didn't even know existed when it comes to a spouse. He cherishes me, and pushes me towards Jesus.

But today, I'm a mess.

My heart has been heavy recently, riddled with conviction of not doing enough. This morning I listened to a message by Pastor Steven Furtick called " Are you growing your gifts?" - He talks about how God loves GOOD things, not things that are half done with the right heart - we should have the right heart AND do things WELL. God has told me countless times to be in his word more, and to write more. Do I do it? No. Instead I journal here and there when it's convenient, or I blog here and there when God REALLY pushes me.

Where is the discipline? There is SO much fufillment when I do what he has asked, so much release when I sit down and put to paper the thoughts and things the Holy Spirit is speaking.. so why don't I do it more consistently? Where is my effort? It's wrapped up in excuses. "I'm so busy" - but let's watch an episode of Arrow on Netflix. "I'm just exhausted" - so let's sleep an extra 20mins because you stayed up watching that episode of Arrow. Stupid. It's a matter of discipline. Carving out time and making it a habit.

God, I come to you asking for HELP. Convict me so deeply that I can't even stand the thought of watching that episode or of sleeping those extra mins. Keep at the forefront of my mind that YOU are greater than ALL things, and YOU deserve my utmost attention. I'm sorry for only giving you "half" worship.. Thanks for loving me any way, even when I suck. And lately, I feel like I suck more than don't suck. You are good, ALL the time. Reveal yourself to me in the smallest things, that I would begin to see you more.